Besides, the factory's on the brink of bankruptcy anyway, and who really wants to watch a movie about a struggling shoe factory? Unless, of course, you throw in some kooky twist -- or, in this case, a ''kinky'' one -- such as transforming the assembly line into a specialty shop for transvestite footwear. Suddenly you've got a zany British comedy in the tradition of The Full Monty and Calendar Girls without all that unpleasant baring of lily-white flesh.

The trouble with Kinky Boots is that director Julian Jarrold doesn't seem to know whether his movie would play better to young hipsters or the blue-haired old lady crowd. To hedge his bets, Jarrold tries too hard to make his audience sympathize with the character Lola through unnecessary flashbacks and teary personal moments, as if the mere casting of immensely likable Dirty Pretty Things star Chiwetel Ejiofor as the movie's central drag queen weren't enough.

Once the audience has embraced Lola (and who doesn't love a brawny black man in spike heels?), there's no real conflict left in the film. The shoe designs are every bit as outrageous as you might imagine, but there's nothing even slightly kinky about the film's unthreatening heterosexual stance. No mention is made of Lola's sexuality, and though it's clear that Charlie is engaged to the wrong girl (Jemima Rooper), the film conveniently supplies him with a more suitable female partner (Sarah-Jane Potts, who comes across like a punky young Annette Bening).

The appeal of Kinky Boots, I suppose, comes in watching a factory full of greasy workers simper and wince as they slowly warm to the idea of designing footwear ''strong enough for a man, but made for a woman'' (or is it the other way around?). And there's you-go-girl fun to be had as Charlie and company unveil their unconventional designs in Milan, but Kinky Boots stumbles through most of it, rather than delivering the kind of unforgettable moments these movies usually do.

As long as England keeps exporting these empty-headed little stories about how backward and prudish its populace is, it's difficult for the rest of the world to take the nation's more pressing social concerns seriously -- despite overtly political works by directors such as Mike Leigh, Ken Loach and Stephen Frears. Even Frears' latest, Mrs. Henderson Presents, about an all-nude London dance revue during World War II, accomplishes little more than poke silly fun at the country's conservative image.

Can the drag-queen market really be significant enough to make such a niche-oriented business venture a success? It must, since Kinky Boots was inspired by the successful fetishwear line of the same name. Is there an audience for a movie about it? With a treatment this innocuous, it's a comfortable fit even for your grandparents.

[as featured in The Miami Herald]